caged

i have no reason to complain.

i am alive

my children are well

my husband loves me.

but i have been caged.

those 4 flights of stairs

the baby in my belly

the aches, the swollen ankles, the shortness of breath

keeps me trapped in our highly-perched nest

i lean out 

and silently wish

i had the energy and emotional capacity

to escape and taste the world more often

but when i think of trying to walk back up those stairs

carrying Little Man, a baby in my belly, a diaper bag

and keeping Little Lady safe

...

i can't physically accomplish that anymore

and haven't been able to

for about a month.

my hands brush this gilded cage

bittersweet

because i do it willingly and lovingly--

for this baby i carry is sweeter

than a grocery store trip

a hobby lobby exploration

an errand or two or seven hundred

and though we all wear a face to those around us

sometimes the weariness of mortality

hangs our hands low

and tendrils of sadness sneak about our hearts

and then comes peace

and today

peace came in the form of 3 perfect faces

that i have held, do now hold, and will always hold

dear to my heart

[photo from 2005]

they played with my babies

washed my dishes [my dishwasher is broken]

cleaned my kitchen

and will be adopting the babies and i for a few days

while Handsome Man studies overtime for his Series 7 exam for work

i'll be moving in with them until Thursday

Handsome Man will get 3 quiet days to study and prepare.

i am grateful to God

for giving me such a good momma, daddy, and baby sister

and though i wept in embarrassment

at needing their help

i wept with joy 

that i have such a sweet family.

the time will come

when i am no longer caged in our highly perched nest

due to the woes of pregnancy and the weight of mortality.

i will be able to spread my wings

and explore the world with my 3 little chickies

and my dear, dear Handsome Man

...

but today

today

i'm caged 

and its ok.

its ok.